Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The First and Second Amendments

I recently took a self-assessment that revealed something not all that surprising—I am exceptionally bad at letting things go.  I ruminate; that’s what the results said.  Specifically, I “over-think problems,” and “dwell on pessimistic feelings.”  I was cautioned that such inner reflections could “encourage drug and alcohol abuse.”  Ha!  Ironically, I once had a doctor (the M.D. kind, not the shrink kind) encourage me to take up drinking to see if that wouldn’t loosen me up a bit.  True story.  Back to the results—I was encouraged to “write your thoughts down.”  So here I am.
I regret the last blog posting I made.  Someone pointed out that it was awfully cliché, and they were right.  As noted above, I dwell on pessimistic feelings, so I’ve dwelt on this bit of constructive criticism quite a bit, which has paralyzed me from contributing to this blog in a month. 
A couple of times in my life, I’ve been called vain—actually by the two people whose opinions I regard the most.  As I reflect on my last blog post, I see vanity and ruminations in it.  There are things I need to let go of.  Some of those things are vain. 
So, it’s all on the chopping block now.  I feel like I’m being dragged to this place, sitting down, hoping my massive weight will make the dragging impossible.  It’s not working, despite neglecting the gym for two months.  
Amendments to the last post:
I will let go of my desire to cook and to create healthy, yummy food for my family and me.  Sitting down and eating with my family seems to be impossible these days anyway, so why break my back to cook?  I will try not to feel guilty as I enter the world of Chef Boyardee, Tyson, and Green Giant.  I’m not there yet.
I will let go of my desire to look like a mom who has it all together, since that’s a lie anyway.  As I’ve ventured out into public with no make-up and un-done hair, I’ve noticed the world hasn’t stopped…and I am very uncomfortable this way.  Guess I still have some work to do here, too.
I am not happy about being in this place.  Honestly, I quite resent it.  I hope that a submissive spirit will come with submissive actions.  I hope growth will come.  I hope.

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